SillyDad.com!

Just in case you are just tuning in I have been answering a 13 question questionaire over at dadstayshome.com… Here is number 10.

Question #10
Did your background as a child influence your decision to become a stay-at-home dad?

According to psychologists every decision you make in life is influenced by how you were raised. So, I would have to say “yes” to this question. Do I think it has had the most influence on my decision? Maybe not. This is a difficult question to answer. It’s difficult to really pinpoint any specific childhood incidences or memories that may have directly impacted me to make the decision to become a Stay at Home Dad. But if we want to generalize this a bit I would have to say that no matter who we are today, whether it be a doctor, professional baseball player, lawyer, Walmart employee, or a stay at home dad, our childhood has had somewhat of an influential factor in our decision to become who we are.

Here are some things that I think would influence our decisions:

Religious Background
I think this could be a biggy here. How we were raised and taught religiously will impact every decision we make. There are many different religions out there and you could have been raised in any number of those. In fact, you could agree with your relgious background or you could have even rebelled against it. But either way your religious beliefs, no matter what they are, will impact every decision you make. There are some people who believe their religion teaches them that the man has to be the primary breadwinner and the wife must be in complete submission to the husband. Others don’t. Whether you were brought up in a household who preached on this could very well make a huge impact on your decision.

Political Background
Are you a democrat or a republican? Are you somewhere in between or out in left field? If you are way into politics you may find one situation over the other is best according to your political agenda.

Family Dynamics
Were you brought up with a mother who stayed home, a father who worked long hours, and 5 other siblings? Or maybe you never knew your dad and you were the only child? You and your mom make up your family? Or maybe even something more untraditional like lesbian or gay parents. Or you could even be brought up in a family with several step parents and siblings. Maybe your grandmother raised you. Or were you adopted? Whatever your family dynamics were growing up will have a huge impact on your decisions in life.

Family Heritage
Here is another big one. Are your grandparents Italian, Mexican, English, Spanish, German, or Indian?? Maybe your great grandparents came to America on a big boat one day and brought with them family tradition and heritage from their country. What was passed down to you from your family’s upbringing will affect your own upbringing.

Demographics
Where do you live? Do you live in the mountains and ski 6 out of 7 days a week or do you live in the desert? If you grew up in the Northern states where there is a lot of snow your hobbies would be a lot different than if you grew up in the sunny south. Where you live impacts your decisions and your behaviour and, in turn, influences our decisions down the road.

Education
This speaks for itself. People who are well educated make different decisions than those who are not. The way you think is shaped by the things you have read, studied, written, and even how well you scored on tests. You might be a business student, a law student, a physcial education student, and so on. No matter what you decide to do in school will impact your decisions later. Professors can really shape how you think by their style of teaching as well.

Personality
Personality is a strong trait in each of us that plays a big part in our behaviour and decision making process. Though we are tossed into certain influential backgrounds our personaility tells us what to do with those influences. For instance, did you go to that church with your parents or did you rebel? Or maybe you went to church with them but were never really into it. Your personality juggles these influences and tells you how to behave.

Friends
And of course most of us all have had friends growing up. Your personality and all the other influential factors may determine who your friends are but your friends can really impact you. There is nothing like peer pressure. Were you pressured into doing drugs? Or maybe they helped you stay away from them. It is amazing how our behaviour can be shaped by the strong influence of our friends.

So let’s sum it up for me. All of these things in my life have played a huge role in my decision to stay home. The end!

-sillydad

Getting closer to the end of the questionaire. Take a look at #9

Question #9
Have you ever felt discriminated against by male friends who aren’t stay-at-home dads?

Now this is a fair question and I can say right now “yes I have”. But I have been discriminated against in both directions. In other words some guys think I am not forceful enough or something because I stay home, like maybe my wife forced me into the situation. On the other end, I have had guys actually wish they had my job. But let’s take a look at some things that have happened to me where male friends have discriminated against me in one way or another. Here are a few:

We know who wears the paints in the relationship… (followed by a nice grin)
Oh yea, I have heard this on more than one occasion, and in fact, I have heard this about 4 times from the same person. They must not have thought they got their point across the first time. So, because I stay home I no longer wear pants. I must not have a backbone either.

What man would stay home and change diapers?
Yes, I have heard this believe it or not, but at least it was only once. I am sure people think it more often or say it behind my back but I cannot prove any of it except for that one time. Was I offended? Yea, I was a tad bit but I got over it….

Are you crazy?
Yes.

Why?
This one is almost as bad as “Are you crazy?” Just coming out and asking why? That sometimes seems more powerful than being specific. Why? Ummm… well maybe because it is the best thing for my family right now, or should I try to smooth things over with a friend and say, “Well, I want to make sure I catch all the games on TV.” In all honesty I have only had one male friend ask me why.

Oh really? (long pause) hmmm
This happened to me on a phone conversation about a year ago. “Oh really” was mostly to absorb the shock and the long pause was to think about what to say next. Eventually hmmmm came out of him and that summed it all up for me.

Those are things I have heard from male friends the minute they found out I was now a full time stay at home dad. But what do they say now? How about this one: “Hey Steve, Go ask your wife if you guys can __________” fill in the blank… A lot of the discrimination stems not from me just staying home with the kids but the fact that my wife makes most of the money and supports us. That immediately draws out stereotypes and people automatically assume I have to ask my wife for permission like I am some little school boy or something.

But there are other forms of discrimination other than making certain remarks. How do they act around me? Right now most of my friends don’t live in the same town as I do so I don’t get to witness much. But that just means I spend more time talking on the phone with them so it is easier for me to relate conversations to discrimination in this instance than it is to witness actions.

Maybe I don’t get asked to go places or do things with them as much but I would associate that with just NOT being single any more. It is more of the fact that I am married and have 4 children than it is because I stay home with the little ones.

On a good note, I actually get more positive responses than disapproving ones. Maybe I am lucky or maybe there is something about me. Who really knows. But until more and more dads become Stay at Home Fathers we will continue to see discrimination.

-sillydad

Moving right along with our questionaire. This one is a good question because it involves society and their outlook on men who decide to stay home. Take a look…

Question #7
Society generally views the male of the household being the primary “breadwinner,” do you feel that you should obtain some sort of income for the household? Why or why not?

Round and round we go. How many ways can we answer the same question? Yes, society generally views the man of the house to be the one bringing home the bacon while mommy stays home and takes care of the little ones. Society actually is falling more and more into the “both parents are raking in the dough as they ship their child off to daycare” syndrome. I call it a syndrome but it works for some people. Again, I am not against certain daycare facilities as much as I am against simply having somebody else raise your child so you can go to work. Maybe that sounds shallow but having children is a responsibility and not a luxury.

I feel that one person in the marriage needs to stay home with the children while the other one works. Traditionally it is the man who works. But why does it have to be the man all the time? Wouldn’t it be situational? Here are some factors that I think should determine which person should stay home and which person should go out into the workplace.

1) Income: Well here is the biggy. Who makes more money? If one is making $50,000 per year and the other is making $25,000 per year wouldn’t it be wise in most cases to leave the person making more out in the workplace? I would think so, but sometimes it isn’t that easy. There are other factors that can play in to your decision. In most families it could be that simple. But, what if one is making $30,000 and the other is making $30,000 as well? Now there are other factors that need to be looked at.

2) Employment Benefits: When you have a family employment benefits are important. Children need shots, they need regular check-ups at the doctors, they need routine dentist visits, and don’t forget emergencies that may pop-up at any time. You need to look into the companies that each of the parents are working for and see what benefits they offer. If the man shingles rooftops and makes $35,000 for the year but his boss doesn’t provide family benefits, and the woman makes $27,500 per year but her company has a great family benefits package you need to sit down and weigh out the options. The man after finding an outside source for insurance may actually find he isn’t making that much more than his wife did. So make sure your kids are set-up with insurance. Insurance is not just important for the kids but for the parents as well. Make sure you have that security.

3) Company Security: Insurance and benefits are one part of company security. But there are other factors you need to look into. Is the company you are working for about ready to file chapter 11 or are they booming and growing. If you are making $10,000 more a year than your spouse but your company may be downsizing in the next 2 to 5 years then you need to weigh in the consequences if you were laid off or demoted. But let’s look at the opposite side. Maybe the company is booming and more employment is needed. You know the company will be a great place to stay in and possibly retire. Some companies are great for careers, others are good for short-term work. So do some digging and find out about the company you and your spouse work for. In some situations you may want to choose the job with less income but the security and benefits packages are superb.

4) Promotion: This is also something to look into regarding a company. Is there room for promotion? Is there supervisory and managerial positions available? Could you be in a better position if you stayed with the company for a few more years. If both spouses are making the same amount of income per year and the benefits are roughly the same but one has the ability to make more money in a year or more and the other is sort of stuck at that one position, then that is another determining factor. But also look at your own credentials. Are you a good candidate for moving up the corporate ladder? Do you have education under your belt? Experience? Do you have competition where other employees hold the same credentials as you? So how realistic are your chances of moving up? Be honest with yourself because this isn’t about you any more, it is about your family.

5) Random: There are also random elements you need to look into. Some are quantifiable and others will be things you need to use your judgment. Quantifiable elements would be cost of gas. Does your spouse have a job down the street and you have a job that is 45 miles down the road? With rising gas prices this is definitely a factor. Is it costing you $25 in gas for the day to drive to and from work? Multiply that by 5 days for the week and you are paying $125 for the week. How much is that for the year? You will be paying $6,500 for just gas alone.

There are some judgment calls that you can’t figure out on a calculator. Maybe you can’t decide when it comes to calculations. Both jobs seem secure, both pay roughly the same, both jobs are located nearby, both parents have education and experience under their belt, and there is hope for promotion in the near future. How do you decide? Some judgment calls would include things like “Who is up for the task?” Is one more willing to give up a career for their family? Will one hold resentments against their spouse 2 years, 5 years, or 10 years down the road? Is one better with the kids? These are all judgment calls that need to be looked at. Maybe there is more of an opportunity to work from home with one spouse than the other and so you plan to help get that one parent going working at home, whatever that may be.

So let’s go back to the original question. Do I feel I need to obtain income as a male in our society? Well, in my situation absolutely not. In fact, I think it would be unwise and completely self-centered to force my wife who is making 4 times the amount of money I would have made to stay home just so I could feel masculine. This isn’t about me. It is about my family and what is best for them. Why should I go to work to save my ego but struggle to pay the bills and not give my children financial security and the insurance they deserve?

I think society can accept this in time.

-sillydad