The most common question I get is, “how do you do it?” Well, I am not sure really the best way to answer that question, but reverting back prior to when I had kids, I would have asked anybody that same exact question if they were under the age 30 and had 4 kids all under the age 5. Better yet, I would have probably asked, if it were polite, “are you just plain insane?”
It is like anything that requires a lot of attention and is just simply demanding. You need to to be persistent, have structure, and put your heart and soul into it. With that combination, having 4 children can actually be an exciting time and highly rewarding. Can you expect to do well playing a sport and not put everything you got into it? A lot of my analogies, you will find, are based off of playing sports or doing something you really love. Why? Because it takes heart and soul, and it takes persistence and dedication. It takes practice. You can’t just say I am now ready for the championship game without ever playing the game or practicing. So get into it. Get your hands dirty. Learn the tricks. Can you be a good football player by just practicing during practice time. Well, for most of us it is a big NO. What I mean by this is you need to get plenty of rest, you need to eat the right foods, you need to take care of yourself, lift weights, and keep a clear mind. All this is done off of the field. In other words, it is a lifestyle change. Being a stay at home dad requires the same. It is definitely a lifestyle change. You can’t just be a stay at home dad from 8:45 – 5:15 while the wife is gone. As soon as you agree to your new job, it becomes your life. You will learn how to not only play on the field but you must continue to do things off of the field that will better your game.
If you cannot accept that then you will run into problems and psychological ruts along the way. It will begin to reflect and spread throughout the family like a bad cancer. Remember, just because you stay home does not mean you have lost all control over what the family is. In fact, it is completely opposite. You have the ability to structure the home even better, because you are there all day long if you choose.
Now 4 kids all under the age 5 can mean insanity if you don’t structure. If you walk away only to remember one thing out of this article, please remember this: Whenever things seem chaotic, out of control, frustrating, tiring, or all of the above, you need to enforce more structure to the day. Structure is important in the long term outcome of you, your kids, and the family unit.
When I first got married a common saying for me was, “as long as the wife is happy, then I am happy.” I tried to master that. I figured if the wife was happy then our marriage would work. Now, with 4 kids under the age 5 you need to learn to keep not only the wife happy but your kids. Now I don’t mean feed them chocolate cake for breakfast and do everything they want to do. That is only limiting things for the moment… for the short term. Yes, they most definitely would be happy eating chocolate cake in the mornings but in the long term it actually has adverse effects.
Children feel comfortable with structure in their lives. They feel safe and secure knowing things. Without structure it is hard for them to know the outcome and therefore they feel less secure. It is proven that children learn better in a controled and structured environment. They feel safe and know that somebody is looking out for their best interest. This is how they learn trust. They can then build confidence. All of these things are crucial in the first 3 years of life. These will shape a child’s learning process throughout the remainder of their lives.
When I wake up I don’t just let the kids loose in the house. Of course, the house would turn into a complete mess by 11am. Learn to do a lot of the same stuff each day. Now I don’t mean when playing blocks you have to build the same stuff over and over again. That is too structured. We are talking about subtle things that are a big deal to kids. Remember being a little kid? All the little things to us now was a big deal to us then. Get the kids dressed and fed. Talk to them and ask them what they want to do and fit that into your week. Set aside play time. Set aside nap time. Eat lunch basically at the same time each day. Set aside movie time. Pick the best time to do outdoor stuff like going to the park.
When you have structure, it relieves tension from both you and the kids. There is less stress. Structure allows you to take a proactive approach on what you are doing instead of a reactive approach. Ever play sports? It takes a lot more energy to play defense then it does to be on the offensive. The ball is in your hands and you can make the decisions. There is structure on the field. There are specific positions. Try playing without positions and structure. Just hike the ball and go, and figure it out as it is happening. You probably won’t do very well.
My kids whine and cry when they have to take a nap, but they know when to expect it. 2pm and it is now nap time. Deep down inside they need somebody to tell them to take a nap. It reinforces that the environment is not everchanging, and in turn makes them feel secure. There are plenty of unpredictable things that will happen throughout the day that will teach them to cope with change, so make sure when these unexpected events happen you show them how to react. If you spill milk, or if something happens that changes your structure, make sure you remain calm and not get all uptight. The kids are watching and learning and will someday grow up to be just like you.
Our natural reactions are to limit stress and energy. But, we need to overcome a few things that can create long-term effects. Whenever you need to make decisions, make them for the long-term reasons and not the short term. You may have to expend more energy in the short -term to minimize energy in the long term. Let’s give an example. The child gets into a box of mommy’s important tax documents she is saving for April 14th. You say “No”. They come back 10 minutes later and pull out a tax form. You jump up and say “No” and pull them away angrily. Later the child goes back over and you say “No” but they pull out a couple forms and drops them on the floor. Tired of this disobedient child, you quickly walk over and give them a nice tap on the butt and yell, “No” making them cry. Well you showed them who not to mess with…
These actions create tired kids and tired daddies that’s for sure. Then the child becomes grumpy and so do you. In the long-term you may end up speaking differently to them and they may get sad and now the entire atmosphere is an unhappy one spiraling into future issues that require spanks and sending them off to take a nap early. All of this is wearing on you and now you want a vacation.
To reduce such attitudes from spiraling out of control, when the child goes for something like your wife’s tax documents, tell them no and get up and move the box into the other room. Just eliminate the box. It may take more energy initially but don’t allow the ball to go to the opponent. Be on the offensive and be proactive. The child will still get upset but now the box is out of sight and therefore out of mind. You now have all kinds of energy stored up, where in the previous situation it would have all been lost on fighting with the kid and showing them daddy is boss.
Now this is a little example, but these are the things that will make or break your day. How many times are you off to a bad start and the rest of the day just seems ruined? It is your frame of mind. Don’t play the first half of a football game and come out 7 points down and think the game is over. The game is always in session and it is never too late to turn things around.
Persistence is crucial as well. Providing structure only 50% of the time can really harm things, especially in my house. When the kids whine enough, don’t say “well, fine let’s skip our nap”. The more they whine means the more they need to take a nap. They just need more reinforcement that things will be the same. Sometimes I will let them skip a nap as long as it is my decision and not as a result of whining. This also reinforces that they cannot manipulate the outcome by whining, but only by behaving. This encourages the kids to behave so they can skip a nap. And if they behave and figure that out then they are mature enough to actually skip a nap.
As you can see structure and persistence go hand and hand and eliminate stress. Stress causes fatigue. Fatigue hinders performance.
Copyright© Steven Remington